MAGNUS: The Owner's Guide and Manual
by Latest From The Asylum
Summary: Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of our new MAGNUS unit!


**Lilih and ****Co.**** Presents...**

**MAGNUS BANE: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manuel.**

Congratulations!  
>You are now the proud new owner of our new MAGNUS unit! In the following pamphlet you will discover how to enjoy your new unit to the fullest extent!<p>

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><p><strong>PRODUCT INFORMATION<strong>

**Model:**

MAGNUS mrk. I

MAGNUS mrk. II **X**

**Manufacturer: **Lilith & Co.

**Return Adress: **6669 Camilla Rd.,Madrid,Spain

**Age: **300+

**Height: **

W/O hair product—6'2.

W/ hair product—6'5

**Weight: **Undefined

**Length: **Consult ALEC unit

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><p><strong>ACCESSORIES<strong>

+1 Fishnet tank top

+3 Designer cardigans

+4 V-neck T-shirts

+1 Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Child Catcher Outfit

+7 Pairs of skinny jeans

+7 Pairs of multi-colored leather pants

+7 Pairs of multi-colored leather pants (with silk lining)

+1 Pair of Doc Martins

+2 Pair of All Stars

+1 Pair of heeled boots

+1 Pair of sequined boxers (Guaranteed, no need to check)

+20 jars of nail polish

+40 bottles of hair spray

+5 gallonsof hair gel

+10 sticks of eyeliner (for each color)

+8 tubes of lipstick

+25 jars of hair glitter

+25 jars of body glitter

+25 jars of edible glitter

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><p><strong>ACTIVATION<strong>

Your MAGNUS unit will be transported to your doorstep roughly 10-15 minutes after ordering. When the MAGNUS unit arrives, please adhere to the following procedure. Activating the MAGNUS unit improperly may result in malfunction, damaged property, and doors to demon dimensions.

STEP 1: Unwrap unit with care. If MAGNUS mrk. I, simply unclip the traveling cape by removing the ruby broach located just beneath the unit's chin. (Despite the claims, the broach will be located nowhere near the hip region). If MAGNUS mrk. II, simply unwrap the neon purple comforter.

STEP 2: Set unit on a smooth, even surface.

STEP 3: Open one of the provided jars of glitter, and sprinkle a dash of it across the unit's hair.

STEP 4: When the unit's eyes open, do not be alarmed. Your unit has not been confused with the CHAIRMAN MEOW model, it was designed this way.

STEP 5: Offer to share the jar of glitter. Congrats! You have now begun your relationship with the MAGNUS unit!

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><p><strong>FUNCTIONS<strong>

Your MAGNUS unit is capable of many things, and this manual only covers a fraction of these. For the full list, please visit www. SexyHeWrote .com.

**Portal:** The MAGNUS unit has the ability to create portals leading to one place (or dimension) to another. Due to popular demand, said portals have been colored to alternate between orange and blue.

**Jesus Vehicle:** Instead of indulging in pricy investments of boats and amphibious vehicles, simply command your MAGNUS unit to charm your current mode of transportation to be light enough as to safely cruise across any body of water. This function works best with the LUKE'S TRUCK accessory, and gains a considerable boost when the ALEC unit is on board.

**Blue ****Sparks****:** Handy multi-purpose function. Set uses are as follows-

1) _Security_- Upon placing your unit near your doorway, any unwelcome visitors will be showered with a barrage of demoralizing sparks. For side effects, see troubleshooting.  
>2) <em>Medicinal<em>- Direct your MAGNUS unit to the place of physical injury, and the MAGNUS unit will go about healing any visible wounds.*  
>3) <em>Show Tunes<em>- When set to music, your MAGNUS unit will let loose a barrage well-timed blue sparks whilst dancing. Highly recommended in parties.  
>4) General Fabulousness- See FAQ.<br>Note: The _Blue Sparks _function is not recommended for any uses outside the provided. This includes but is not limited to roasting marshmallows, enhancing intimate pleasure, and as a children's nightlight.

*This function should be used with caution with any male, particularly blue-eyed users, concerning reports of divorce and irreparable emotional scarring resulting from the healing process.

**Translation: **Your MAGNUS unit, being so old, has gained fluency in a wide variety of languages. Think that demon is insulting your mother? Just ask MAGNUS to translate demonic tongues for you!

**Fashion Counsoling: **The MAGNUS unit comes readily equipped with the most up-to-date fashion advice.*  
>*Those using the MAGNUS mrk. I may find this function completely reversed. This is unfixable, but it has proven to be extremely useful for Victorian cosplay.<p>

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><p><strong>MODES OF OPERATION<strong>

**MAGNUS Prime: **This is the default mode your MAGNUS unit will come in. In this mode you will find that while the MAGNUS unit can be highly productive in short spurts, he tends to charge you for his services and loaf around your den watching _Giligon's Island _and _America's Next Top Model _when you fail to compensate. This can easily be fixed with the addition of an ALEC unit in the household, which will result in the MAGNUS unit being more than happy to help around the home.

**Surly MAGNUS: **Your MAGNUS unit will phase into this mode after a lengthy period of disuse. He will loudly complain about the length in which you spend in the bathroom, as well as make a wide range of humorous quips if the JACE unit happens to be present. To exit this mode, simply provide the MAGNUS unit with a jar of luminescent glitter and direct him to the nearest night club. He should return in his default mode, fully functional.

**Straight MAGNUS **_(Exclusive to MAGNUS mrk. I)_: A mode only unlocked when the CAMILLE unit is present. In this mode, MAGNUS will become moody, brood, and lock himself away in the den for hours on end with several NOVELS. This mode can only be resolved when both a CAMILLE unit as well as a WILL unit are present. For best results, the WILL unit can be swapped out in favor of the ALEC unit. After this transaction has taken place, this mode will be permanently locked. Note: Contrary to popular belif, MAGNUS mrk. II does NOT have this feature. He will remain in his default setting no matter how many CLARY, ISABELLE, or IMPROBABLE ORIGINAL CHARACTER units are present.

**Disconcerting MAGNUS: **In this mode, your MAGNUS unit will actively flirt and sexually harass every male in the room. This mode usually results when the 'Surly' mode goes unfixed, and typically this mode cannot be escaped until an ALEC unit in 'Coming Out' mode is introduced.

**Warlock MAGNUS:** Your MAGNUS unit will automatically switch into this mode when you introduce any sort of errand or task. Also known as 'Thieving MAGNUS' and 'Swiper mode' the MAGNUS unit is known to attain needed items on a basis that doesn't regularly line up with mundane law. Lilith & Co. is not responsible for arrest or persecution of any kind.

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><p><strong>GENERAL CARE<strong>

Your unit, unlike most other units, is self-grooming. This is a safety precaution, due to complaints of the 'Disconcerting' mode switching on during grooming sessions. As for food, see 'edible glitter'.

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><p><strong>FAQ<strong>

Q: My MAGNUS unit is emitting random sparks. Is this supposed to happen?

A: Yes. This is simply the 'General Fabulousness' function at work. If you wish, you may switch it off.

Q: My MAGNUS unit is taking forever in the shower. What do I do?

A: Confiscating the hair products should lessen the shower time by half.

Q: Help! My MAGNUS unit won't stop speaking Spanish!

A: Your MAGNUS unit is displeased with you and wishes to spite you by speaking a language you only have a vague understanding of. It is recommended you bring in a RAPHAEL unit to translate until you have gotten over whatever matter that is causing the MAGNUS unit's ill cooperation.

Q: There are a bunch of fangirls/boys picketing in my front yard with "I HEART ADAM" signs. What's going on?

A: It appears your MAGNUS unit has been mistaken for the popularly flamboyant American Idol runner-up Adam Lambert. Have your MAGNUS unit create a portal to the SOUTHERN TIP OF AFRICA (African users, you may use NORWAY). Hide your unit, then invite the fans inside and direct them through the portal. Crisis adverted.

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><p><strong><em>AN:_**_ Thank you all for reading! You can thank sarahserenity6296 for inspiring me to make this wonderful manual, as well as the amazingly talented Theresa Green for creating the template!_


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